Kabul Attack, 18 January 2010

My fingers hover frozen over the keyboard as my mind races through the events of the day. My words are jammed together and caught in the pit of my stomach, swallowed along with my fear. The frenzy and the fury of the day slipped by not unnoticed, but certainly not respected.

I was aware that the distant gunfire and explosions and the anxious reactions of my staff were taking their toll. What I didn’t expect were the intense waves of quiet anxiety that would wash over me throughout the evening.

As the day wore on and the fighting continued, my nerves were the silent victims as I smiled and endlessly repeated “No, really…I’m fine!” By the end of the day I believed it, but sitting at dinner that night, I nearly came out of my skin when someone closed a window behind me.

That night I finally fell asleep with the knot firmly locked in my stomach. It was there the next morning and throughout the day. Funny thing was it finally began to loosen after I spoke to a friend who has been in even more difficult situations. His advice was to embrace the knot, “really, it will keep you safe believe me”.

Here’s to embracing the knot!